You can write about war and peace, love and death, Annika andVijay. But if it's reaction you're looking for, all you really needto write about is cats and dogs.
Through the miracle of the Internet, a column last week about theUtah State Supreme Court ruling that cats are not dogs broughtnational response. The column related the case of a Salt Lake Citywoman who sued her neighbors because their cat bit her. The columnwent on to make the point that cats basically are tiny little tigerswho show their appreciation by ripping off large chunks of yourflesh.
By the next morning my e-mail box is clogged with messages. Mostof them are from persons named Mobuto offering business opportunitiesto make me richer and from enlargement companies offering pills tomake me more prominent. But there also are some about the cat column.
The first is from the owner of the cat in Utah, pointing out thatit never was proven that his animal bit the woman and noting that shewas offered a $50,000 settlement, which she rejected. While I'mtrying to decide how often and where I would let a cat bite me inexchange for $50,000, the following e-mail arrives from Maryland.
`Your article, about the woman trying to sue under (Utah's) dog-bite law was cute. But I feel compelled to point out that it isactually rare that you hear or read about people being mauled ormaimed by cats; however, you do often hear about dogs doing thosethings. There is the rare psychotic cat, but I don't know of anyone(other than the unfortunate person in your article) who has actuallybeen hospitalized for a cat bite . . .
`So I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a cat, but yourexperience was a rare one, I feel. Most cats would just as soonignore you.' - Ginger Chiveral, Maryland.
While I am trying to figure out whether `psychotic cat' would beredundant, an e-mail arrives from Bryan, Texas.
`This has to be one of the funniest (because of your writingstyle) articles I've ever read. I had to look at the author just tomake sure it wasn't Dave Berry (consider that a compliment).' - ChrisBarnes.
While I'm wondering why Dave Barry changed the spelling of hisname, back-to-back e-mails arrive to congratulate me for having thecolumn picked up by Web sites that paid me absolutely nothing forsending it all over the world.
One of the sites is, apparently, read by the vast, untapped marketof legal scholars who study Utah Supreme Court decisions. The otheris called fark.com and carries quirky stories. So I check that siteand, sure enough, there is my column in the company of `Toast-on-a-stick inventor invents spaghetti-on-a-sandwich' and `Topless dartsreturn to British television.'
While I'm trying to figure out how much Time Warner would gouge mefor a British television channel, the following e-mail arrives.
`I own three cats, yet why is it, when I read the following: `Dogs. . . have tiny little brains capable of only three thoughts,' I getthe distinct impression you're either female or gay? Could it be yourblatant and unintelligent stereotyping (of yourself, that is)?'
Now all I'm trying to decide is whether I should adjust myestrogen dosage.
D.L. Stewart's column appears Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. Contacthim at 225-2439 or e-mail dl_stewart@coxohio.com.
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